Well, well, well, who'd have thought. For over two years now we, the great unwashed of Irish society have been labouring under the mistaken belief that the country's governing party, the unique and impressionable Fianna Fail have spent the last 14 years asleep at the wheel (or in the Merc's rear passneger seat at least) while a pack of bankers and property developers (and international private financial investors) were given free reign to run the country aground in the quest for a quick profit.
But now, mercifully, Fianna Fail's latest messiah, Michael Martin has crawled out of the party's stagnant and highly questionable gene pool to set the record straight. You see it wasn't their fault at all. It's been the political system which has been to blame the entire time. The political system, or The System as it shall henceforth be known has secretly been plotting the nation's downfall since the inception of the state.
Lost your job due to your company's inability to attract sufficient trade to maintain current employment levels? The System did that.
Struggling to pay the mortgage due to recent interest rate hikes by state-run, publicly-financed banks? The System is to blame.
Waved a loved-one good-bye forever as they search for life-affirming employment abroad? It was The System which drove them away.
Lost a family member due to our woefully structured and poorly managed health service, or because you can no longer afford health insurance? Yep, you guessed it, The System killed your loved ones.
Getting the message yet? If not, why not switch on your TV any time between now and election day and Mr Martin will be happy to hammer the truth into your ignorant head. And if you're still too stupid to understand the truth? Well Mr Martin will repeat the truth, again, this time a little louder. That should do the trick.
So what can we do I hear you ask? Well, as The System is all powerful and cannot be changed or tackled in any way (as Fianna Fail have proven over the past 14 years) there are only a few simple steps we can all take to safeguard ourselves against this evil and malignant The System and it's Ireland-destroying ideals:
1. If you see The System on the street do not approach it. It will attack you on sight. Instead, report the sighting to the Gardai.
2. Lock your doors and windows at all times. The System is always looking for ways into your home to eat your children.
3. Keep your eyes peeled at all times. The System is crafty and will hide under bushes, behind bus stops or up trees and await it's opportunity to attack unsuspecting members of the public.
4. Regularly check up on elder family members. The System preys on the old and infirm and can often trick old people into allowing them into their homes by posing as a local Fianna Fail election candidate.
5. If all else fails, leave the country. The System has no power outside of the Republic of Ireland as most all other countries have highly developed methods of combating it's evil ways. Politics I think they call it.
Please print out and keep this handy survival guide on you at all times. We can't beat The System. But with a bit of luck we might just survive it.
I hope this helps.
